…but you’re out there. That’s more or less how it feels for me when I try to talk to other people. Sometimes more, sometimes less.
I’m sure my thought—my idea—is a good one. But the reaction isn’t always what I’d hoped for.
The “why” and the “what for”
Why am I writing this? What do I want?
First of all, I’m writing this post—obviously—for myself. Writing in a quiet environment helps me sort my thoughts…
The reason I’m (this time) not sorting my thoughts in a diary is this:
It’s practically impossible that I’m alone in this. And if I can give someone that very feeling, then it was worth it.
Quirky
It seems to be true that whatever is going on in my head doesn’t automatically have to make any sense out there.
Either because the weight we give to basic assumptions in a line of thought or a goal is different. Or simply because we start from completely different assumptions. Or because, in what I’m saying, I’m assuming something I haven’t actually said.
So it’s no wonder that even with people I’ve been talking to for a very long time, I still go around in circles for a long time until we’re more or less in sync.
There are only very few people I can talk to without having to sync up first.
Most likely, that’s where quirks come from: standing out with (seemingly) strange thoughts and hard-to-understand speech.
Somehow everyone has their quirks
They just don’t always show.
I, for example, tend to make things seem more complicated.
But it’s a matter of perspective.
For me, things are the way they are. When in doubt, complicated. Simply because I approach some things in a very fundamental and comprehensive way.
For most people, less is enough.
They say a good horse doesn’t jump higher than it has to.
Maybe. But I never wanted to become a dressage horse.
Also, I have a pronounced soft spot for donkeys, magnets, and felt pads.
What’s your quirk?
The world is so loud
Or rather: there are so many of you. And you’re so loud!
There are days when every conversation within earshot is just as loud as my own thoughts.
And then there are all the imaginable noises on top of that.
I literally can’t understand my own thoughts anymore.
I have a hard time focusing on my own thoughts. Sometimes I respond to random snippets of conversation that have nothing to do with me at all.
Often I’ll wear headphones with loud music—to push all of you out of my head.
Without these aids, I find it hard to get into a complex topic and into a flow. Voices everywhere, ringtones, measuring devices. Even the building rattles when it’s windy.
Then all it takes is someone speaking to me directly… and I freeze and have to get going again from scratch.
Useless?
So far, it doesn’t look good.
I can’t always make myself understood reliably, or I’m not understood. And I’m easily distracted.
No. Really not.
It has to fit…!
But does that mean I am—are we—automatically useless?
I think the answer here is also: no. Really not!
There is a place in the world for everyone and everything.
And there (at first) applies:
“I can because I want what I must.” Immanuel Kant
Of course, this sentence has to accept some limitations—privately as well as professionally.
For example, what you can do because you want to isn’t necessarily what you must do.
And sometimes you must do what you can do, but don’t want to. Or we want what we must—but can’t do it.
Meaning:
It depends on aligning your own ability and willingness as well as you can with what you must do. Everything else creates tension and (exertion of) effort.
Stay honest!
So yes, it may be that in a certain environment we simply don’t “function” well (enough).
In my case: since my second year in the profession, I’ve often worn headphones1 and I had to realize that many followed my example. I don’t want(!) to leave the environment. But I also can’t(!) fulfill the work that’s due without it (must!).
But don’t forget: Simply saying the environment is “wrong” is definitely too simplistic.
It could also be that we’re just looking for excuses because we don’t actually want something. Stay honest!
No hoofprints? No pony farm!
In no area of our lives can we completely choose how everything is set up. We’re not islands. We live together with others.
That also means living with who we are and holding ourselves back a little.
But what we absolutely can do:
Calmly and thoughtfully look for an environment where we can connect the three corners—can, want, must—well. A place where, quite literally, we ourselves are that connection.
That in turn means we’re not simply “victims” of circumstances.
We can actively shape our lives. We can work on it. On ourselves. On the circumstances.
In this context, I’d recommend looking into the concept of coherence and salutogenesis.
I believe we can live healthily if we work toward it.
How can that work?
I’m tempted to say: “I don’t know either!”
Because I haven’t found a solution for myself yet and therefore can’t share my own experience.
Only this: I’m sure I can find a solution—for me. And everyone else can too—for themselves.
It will come down to being honest. Honest with myself and honest with others.
It will come down to not taking myself more seriously than everyone else.
It will come down to understanding that maybe, for others, in this moment, I’m not understandable.
It will take patience.
The coherence model can help here.
There’s a saying that gets quoted over and over again, to the point of wear.
“Teach me patience to endure what I cannot change.
Teach me strength to change what I cannot endure.
Teach me wisdom to tell the difference.” Unknown
I find this saying awful. It’s simply been used too often.
But there’s also something very important in it:
We can and(!) don’t have to change everything.
We can and(!) don’t have to endure everything.
…if we do it right.
Discover your own strengths
There is something about us—like about all people—that makes us special.
Not talking yourself down, believing in yourself and your abilities, is hard and has to be practiced.
But it’s worth it.
It might be a flourishing imagination that can picture things that are closed off to others.
A quick, jumping mind that keeps many topics in view at once or can connect seemingly unrelated topics into a shared context.
It might be a special ability to examine something.
A childlike, unbiased curiosity that takes everything in with enthusiasm.
It might be a special empathy, a sense for what’s going on in others and what’s needed now.
For me, for example, this seemingly too-complicated approach results in work outcomes that are very precise and in-depth.
Conclusion
I am what I am. And that’s a lot!
You are what you are. And that’s a lot!
Despite the Generation Z debate: it really does matter to achieve not only performance goals, but also personal goals.
The days when pure performance, class snobbery, was all that counted are over!
And despite Generation Z: work is part of it. It isn’t imposed on us—it’s something we get to choose. Work—when it goes well—creates meaning.
In the long run, we can’t burden anyone else with responsibility for ourselves.
First and foremost, we ourselves are responsible for us, our happiness, and our health.
If you want to work for a long time, you should work in a healthy way.
Physically and mentally.
And it follows that we should, at least from time to time, put ourselves—what we do, our goals, our lives—to the test.
With sense and reason.
And then we have to act accordingly.
In any case, I’m going to use this newly started year, 2024, for this kind of self-examination.
I’ll keep working on myself so I can be there for the people I love!
- I used to simply not dare to. Because it also sends a signal: “Leave me alone!”. [↩]
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